Insomnia

How can I be so tired and not be able to fall asleep? Because I can't shut my mind up for anything tonight. It wants to solve all my problems and some of the worlds problems as well. It's now 10:43pm and I have to get up at 4:15am, 430am if I pull my hair back. No matter how you slice it, that is not going to be much sleep. Hopefully I can get some of my thoughts out here so I can get to sleep soon.

I have a friend that has been telling me that I'm burning the candle at both ends. The trouble is that I know that and most days it feels like the candle is going to burn me but I don't know how to fix it. You see, the things that are keeping me busy are good things by most standards. Church, PTO, family, friends, work etc. I'm probably no busier than most moms I know. I just need to find some kind of balance. I want so much to be everything to everyone but sometimes it feels that I'm loosing myself in the process. I keep thinking that next month will get better and things will slow down but it doesn't happen. Now the holidays are creeping up and instead of looking forward to them, I'm dreading the extra things they will put on my plate. That is just sad. I also don't like sounding like a whiner. Oh poor me, I have such a busy life..blah blah. Why does it seem that some people have it so together? What do they know that I don't? How do they the energy to get it all done and still make breakfast from scratch?

Work has also been hard. I am truly thankful that I have job when so many don't. I know this and yet I dread going in so much that I get cranky on Sunday afternoon at the thought of it. The work itself is okay but the people are a real challenge. I'm hoping to just bide my time until I can find somewhere else within the company. What I really need to do is go back to school and learn how to do something that I really want to do. But if you refer to paragraph #2, just where exactly am I going to fit that in? I want to be doing something that makes a difference in the lives of others. I want to work with people, not computers. I want to be a nurse or work in the medical field again in some capacity. I was truly the happiest when I was working in a hospital waking people up at all unearthly hours to draw their blood. It was not much but it made me feel like I was helping someone.

There are many more thoughts rolling around in my head but I've babbled and whined enough. Hopefully just offloading this much will help. I know it will all work out. I know that I am truly blessed in so many ways. This is what I need, no will, focus on.

Another year older and wiser too???

Well, I'm another year older anyway. One out of two isn't too bad right? Walking home from school today with my son, we had a conversation about how old I am. I think it kind of put it in perspective today for him when I explained that while he's been in this world just shy of 6 years, his mommy has been in this world 37 years today. Maybe he'll finally get that I really do know more than him about most things. Nah, who am I kidding..lol

I had a very nice Birthday weekend. Hubby's mom made my favorite dinner for me Saturday night and we had a very nice celebration. The boys had made me my favorite cake, yellow cake with chocolate icing, the night before. Yummy!! My family is always good about making me feel very special. I had the day off today because I just couldn't see working on my birthday especially when it's a Monday. I volunteered in Blake's class which was a real treat. I'm going to have to figure out a way to do that more often.

Thank you for the birthday wishes!!

First time for the tooth fairy

Blake has had a couple of loose teeth now for a few weeks and he's been wiggling and wiggling them and then look what happened today

No fuss, no muss. He just pulled the first one out and then the second one. His first "big" tooth is already coming in as you can see in the extreme close up picture. It looks like the tooth fairy will be visiting us tonight for the very first time. Wonder what the going rate is these days?

Carving out some memories

First you have to pick the pumpkins Take the before picture

Have a little fun while you are picking out your pumpkins

Help daddy make a cake for mom's birthday

Mix the cake

Purse your lips really hard . (This is why we call him bird , look at those lips)

Concentrate on what you are doing

Push through when you're getting tired

Get a lesson from your mom

Pose for a picture with mom

Show off the finished products

Light them up and take an "after" shot

First parent/teacher conference

Last Thursday was our very first parent/teacher conference. Blake has been in school now for about 6 weeks and we were anxious to hear how it was going. We heard exactly what we expected. This has been the description of Blake since he was a baby. "Blake is very bright and very active" In other words if and when he sits still for five seconds he knows what he's doing.

This child came into our lives as if on a mission. He rolled over both ways at 3 months, crawled at 6 months and hasn't looked back since. Some say "Oh, he's just a boy and it's normal" While I would like to believe that his activity level is normal, I know that it is not. I have been around enough children his age now to see the difference.

I truly wouldn't change him for the world. He is sweet, smart, funny, inquisitive and has a zest for life that knocks my socks off. However we do think we will need to intervene soon so he can be successful. We need to find ways to direct this endless energy for good. We talked to the teacher and she is going to ask around and see what kind of help is out there. I just want him to be able to be successful. If we can get him and us the tools to get him there then I am all for it. The teacher was saying they will probably send someone in to observe him without him knowing that he's been observed. They'll find out how often, in a certain time frame, that he gets distracted and looses his focus among other things. What will happen remains to be seen and a lot can change in a short time at this age. This story is definitely to be continued.

Sweet moment in "the sweet life"

Have you ever had one of those moments in life where you find it truly hard to describe? The English language, or any other language for that matter, seems to be insufficient. I had one of those moments last Saturday. I was kneeling across the alter from my child and my husband in the temple of our God. We were sealed together as a family for all time and eternity.

The entire day was just wonderful. The weather was a perfect sunny, cool and crisp fall day. We arrived at the temple at 9:30 in the morning and from there it just got better and better. I did some initiatories while waiting on Tim. We then met up and headed for his endowment. It was so awesome to see him there with me after all these years. I couldn't help but smile from ear to ear the entire time. I kept it together pretty well until Holly hugged me. The emotion then came flooding out.

After the endowment we were lead to a sealing room where about 40 of our dear friends were there to support us. The sealer was warm and funny and after Tim and I were sealed they brought our sweet boy to us. He was embarrassed to have everyone looking at him and came running over to me. He then put his little hand on ours and we were sealed together forever. As I said already, it's to hard to put how I felt into words but that moment in time will be burned into my mind forever. It was the second (next only to having my son placed into my arms) sweetest moment of my life. I feel so blessed to have these two boys in my life and now to have them for all eternity. Wow..just wow. Thank you Heavenly Father for blessing me so richly. I am truly thankful.

Here are a few pictures from after.

Is he cute or what?

For my posterity (part 3)

So I made that decision. I was baptized March 22, 2002. What a wonderful day. Tim thought I was a bit off my rocker but was totally supportive. Mark and Gary made the trip with a few of their kids and finally I met my gospel mentors. If I hadn't known it before, I knew it then, these were my brothers. I'm convinced we were in the same family in our premortal life. They found me here and taught me and Mark baptized me. Gary spoke at the baptism. It was wonderful. I was sure that after I left the water I was glowing. I felt an overwhelming warmth and most of all. I felt love. I felt wrapped in my Savior's arms. He was pleased with my decision and I knew it.

The next day I was confirmed in church and given the gift of the Holy Ghost. I also partook of the sacrament for the first time. At this point I had been attending church since January. I had never taken sacrament. I didn't feel worthy. I remember my first day at church. True to form, Mark and Gary called the bishop and let him know that I would coming. I sat in the parking lot of the church that first Sunday scared to death. What was I getting myself into? I called Mark and told him that I just couldn't do it. He calmly talked me into giving it a try. I mustered up the nerve and walked through the door. There was Bishop Carver with this big smile on his face. He said "You must be Tonya Kelley, we've been expecting you. Welcome" He then introduced me to a lady he called Sister Cottam. She wrapped me in her arms and ushered me over to sit by her. It was like she had known me for years. I sat down and had this odd feeling of coming home. I knew this was where I was supposed to be.

I made it back the next Sunday and was sitting in Relief Society when in walked this gal that looked as uncomfortable as I felt. She came over and sat down by me and we started talking. Her name was Holly and she and her family had just moved back to the area after being in Washington State for several years. Little did I know at the time but this person and her family would be my rock. We would grow as close as sisters and her family would become my church family. From that time on we sat together at church. They took me in as one of theirs. I can't even begin to tell you how this helped me. I am 100% positive that I would not have made it to where I am now without them. They missed me if I didn't come. They truly cared for me. They stood by me every step of the way. My baptism, my son, my son's surgery, my dad's death, my mom's death, when I went through the temple for myself and everything else to this point.

It's hard to explain how hard it was to keep going. To just get to church each week. Early on I heard a talk where a awesome lady (who knows who she is) said "You can't go inactive in 7 days". When things were hard I kept repeating this to myself. Just get to church. Do the little things and you will make it. I am living proof that having a good friend (and her family) and a calling make all the difference to a convert. Often, had it not been for one or more of these things I wouldn't have made it. I would have stopped. It would have been so easy. Just stop going. Stop tithing. Stop it all. It would have been much easier. But I was different, I had changed. A mighty miracle had occurred in my heart. I was no longer the person I was before. I know knew the pure joy that the gospel can bring. The direction it gives.

I stuck it out. Tim joined a year ago and we will be going to the temple in 9 short days. What a miracle it has all been. What a wild up and down roller coaster. Some days I was far from the path and the rod and others I was wrapped tight around it. How do I thank my Heavenly Father for this life he has given me. What words are sufficient? I don't have them but he knows how I feel. Even when I'm wandering around a little to far from the path, he knows.

By the way, Mark and Gary will be here again for our sealing. They were here for my baptism, my temple trip, Tim's baptism and now they will see it all come to fruition. Our little family will be sealed together for time and eternity.

What will we do for an encore after that? :o)